It’s here. Another big family holiday. We were able to have a break with St. Patrick’s Day, but with Easter here, we need a game plan. Family members you haven’t seen since Christmas (you know the ones, they comment in all caps on your Facebook photos) want to know how your love life is. They are going to be asking a lot of questions. I’ve graciously given you some options that you can use at your convenience. You can thank me later.
1. “I’m focusing on my diet and exercise right now.”
No one will question your sound excuse as you sit down to an all-you-can-eat Easter brunch. With waffles. And pasta. And bacon. And carrot cake.
2. “I went on a date not too long ago!”
I mean, it’s not really a lie. You did go on a date with Sal Valentinetti. It was only, like, two months ago. Yeah, you won it through a contest, but it still counts! Right?!
3. “I’m focusing on my next writing project.”
No one has to know that what you really mean is that you’ve been compiling what not to do on Tinder in your Twitter drafts. Tinder is a complex part of our society! YOU’RE WELCOME, WORLD.
4. “All the good ones live too far.”
Translation: No one lives close enough to a Chipotle.
5. “I’m just too fucking busy to date right now.”
No translation needed.
6. “I’m still looking for someone who has similar interests as me.”
Yeah, because your friends are getting real tired of you bringing up what happened this week on Arrow because they. Don’t. Watch. It.
7. “I can’t find someone to keep up with me*”
* – at HomeGoods.
Okay, guys, we can do this. It’s just one day and then we won’t have to see them until the summer at so-and-so’s Big Summer Bash. Just take a deep breath, and don’t forget to smile, because brunch comes with unlimited mimosas. Tell the waiter to keep ‘em coming.