A River Becomes A Lake

I’m at a strange point in my life. For the first time, ever, I feel like I’m stagnating. I’m not moving backward, per se. But I’m sure as hell not moving forward either.
Ever since I was in high school, I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to work with Ann Shoket, who was the editor-in-chief at Seventeen magazine at the time, and talk to girls about body image and hear their ideas and thoughts, and share them. I wanted to have a dialogue with younger girls about hard topics. Topics I was facing at the time and felt like I wasn’t alone going through them.  I wanted to create a safe space. I knew that from the bottom of my heart to the top so of my toes. As I moved through college and faced tougher obstacles, the fire burned brighter to become that light for someone else.
I spent a majority of my time in legend interning. I even wrote an article about how much I was interning. I thought it would help me in the “real world.”
I graduated and started to apply to jobs in my field. I was eager to make my mark; to leave the world a little better than I thought was before. I went on interviews and was told no a bunch of times. But that was okay, I wasn’t expecting to get the first job I applied for. I started applying to jobs I was less excited about, but still really good gigs and was told no some more. Sometimes I wouldn’t even be told no. I just would hear nothing at all. Then, my student loan bill said started to come in.
I’m currently a receptionist in my hometown. It’s  a good job. I like the people I work with and it pays my bills.
And now I’m scared. I read job descriptions and think I’m not qualified. I read internship descriptions and know I can’t afford to do that anymore. I miss being a part of an industry I have admired for so long, and now I wonder if I’ll ever be a part of it again.

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